PENN
October 25, 1975

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching "Yankee Doodle, It's a Dandy" Band presents three long hard...Bicentennial minutes.

The Band first salutes the venerable Dr. Benjamin Franklin and some of his most eccentric and least-known inventions, like the gas...television, the Learjet, and...the University of Pennsylvania. Speaking of inventions...historians assert that Franklin has 13 illegitimate children...one for each colony, but couldn't keep up...the pace when Vermont entered...the Union. The Band sadly notes that Ben couldn't make it...all the way to Hawaii.

Speaking of illigitimate children, everyone knows that George Washington, the Father of Our Country, slept here...and there...and was considered a Revolutionary inspiration to the...Mothers of our country. During those long, hard years away from Martha, George constantly looked to Mount...Vernon. Forming grapes of wrath on the field, the Band recalls the General's rousing....words after his stomping victory at Martha's Vineyard: I came, I saw, I...concord.

And now, in an eye-popping presentation of patriotic pageantry, the Band invites everyone to join us in the singing of one of those great old colonial toe-tappers:

Yankee Doodle came to town
Riding on a pony,
Stuck a...feather in his...cap
And called it macaroni.
Yankee Doodle...keep it up.
Yankee Doodle Dandy.
Mind the music and the step,
And with the girls be...handy.

BROWN
November 1, 1975

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Marching Masked...Ball Band takes a long...hard look at Halloween.

Speaking of Charlie Brown, the Band first asks, "What's so great about the great pumpkin?" All the sweet little girls and boys sit alone in the pumpkin patch waiting for the great pumpkin to...rise, but he never does. In sympathy, the Band consoles those who are still waiting for their...treat, by reminding them that in a few...short months Santa Claus will be...sliding down their...chimney.

The Band notes that Princeton is the only University to give a vacation at Halloween, in honor of our colors,...orange and black. We take our holiday seriously, in fact,...we take it any way we can get it! Especially at our age, we get...excited about tricks...and treats. Bags...in hand, we go door to door, hoping every knock...will give us...goodies.

Speaking of treats, the Band asks, "What do people give as tricks or treats when their...bells are rung?"

• President Ford gives you driving lessons.
• Abe Beame trades you Manhattan for your UNICEF carton.
• Burger King gives you a double whopper and holds...the pickle.
• The Democratic Party gives you a candidate,...and another,...and another.
• William F. Buckley, Jr. gives you a model airplane with...2 right wings, and
• Xaviera Hollander gives you...15 minutes.

And now the Band rings your bells, noting that at Halloween time,

And who was that masked man?...I wanted to thank him.

HARVARD
November 8, 1975

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long...hard look at the Big Three, in descending order.

Administrators at Princeton have recently expressed concern over excessive drinking in the stands at football games. We soberly...note that they couldn't be talking about the Band; as everyone knows, we do all our drinking on the field... Perhaps they are referring to our thirsy...alumni, who drown their sorrows...even when we win. No less than our Boston alumni are known to sneak a...Shirley Temple on the sly. When asked to comment, one alumnus remarked, "The fizz makes my tongue...tingle."

Next we look at...Harvard. You can always tell a Harvard man...but you can't tell him much. Nor can you understand much of what he's telling you. After living in Boston for four years, he can't even "pak his cah in Hahvahd yahd." Translation: he can't even "park his car in Harvard yard." Forming

a)

a harvard yard,

b)

a Yarvard hard,

c)

a Derek Box, or

d)

a box lunch,

the Band sadly notes that in Harvard's box...lunch, there are no bananas.

We now turn our attention to the least of the Big Three. When considering...Yale, the old adage comes to mind, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

YALE
1975

Ladies and gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at deja vu.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Princeton University Band takes a long, hard look at deja vu.

Speaking of things we've seen again and again, who can forget all those TV reruns of "I Love Lucy"? It was a weekly thrill to watch the retired couple, Fred and Ethel Mertz. And then there was adorable little Ricky, who got his natural sense of rhythm from his dad and by age four was already playing the bongos. Yes indeed folks, millions of Americans glued to their seats turned on their sets every Monday night to watch Desi Arnez and Lucille Ball.

What else is seen time and time again? The Princeton University Band returns every week. Why do they come back to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fans? You guys don't tink we can march, do ya? Yous guys don't tink we can play either. Oh yeah, well up your nose with a rubber hose, and your mother wears topsiders and your sister knew everyone in the third army in the Biblical sense. So watch dis!

Didn't tink we could do that, huh?

And now, the Band on a half-shell does something you've never seen before! We pretend to be a band and salute those who are seen all the time and deeply appreciated, the alumni of Princeton University.

Everyone knows that God went to Princeton. But in yet another case of alumni sons being rejected, Jesus Christ just didn't make it; he got nailed on the Boards.