The Band's announcer for the 1999 football season was Lee Hadbavny '01.

CORNELL
September 18, 1999

Pouring onto the field like raw sewage into your shower, it's the Princeton University Band!

Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink. Thanks to Tropical Storm Floyd, clean water is as hard to find as a sober Cornell band member. Although drought restrictions have been relaxed, the governor has announced these new water restrictions:

• drink only boiling water...and do not swallow for three minutes
• always shower with a friend
• French students should refrain from using the bidet
• save water: drink beer
• whenever possible, students should resort to photosynthesis
• to conserve water: lather, rinse, but do not repeat

In the spirit of conservation, the Band forms a very small 'c' on the field, and salutes our favorite source of contaminated water: Lake Cayuga.

And now, contaminated with

• lead
• mercury
• PCB's
• CFC's
• e. coli
• salmonella? It's in there!
• giardia
• silt
• cadmium and other natural flavors
• Jimmy Hoffa
• crude oil
• hypodermic needles
• DDT
• 50,000 pounds of MUD Mud mud
• New York City garbage
• bacteria
• toluene
• eight essential vitamins and iron
• nuclear waste
• plague
• sulfur
• olestra
• it's the Double-Double Rotating P!

LEHIGH
September 25, 1999

Ladies and gentlemen, trickling onto the field at one-third pumping capacity, it's the Princeton University Band!

Tonight's game is just one of the events sponsored by the University to help promote a more wholesome nighttime atmosphere for students. Here are just a few of the other morally-nutritious events the University is planning to hold in the next few months:

• Residential College Parcheesi Championships
• "Petting Zoo Night" in Prospect Gardens
• Chariot Racing
• T.I. Bicker
• Ultimate Squirrel Deathmatch
• "Duck Duck Goose" on Cannon Green
• Water-Boiling Parties
• Non-Alcoholic Beer Pong
• Fully-Clothed Olympics
• and a University-sponsored pilgrimage to the holy land.

Speaking of holy lands, the Band forms a little 'l' and salutes Lehigh's hometown.

And now, topped with

• relish
• mustard
• worcester sauce
• tartar sauce
• salsa
• mayonnaise
• dijonaise
• hollondaise
• pollonaise
• flow nase
• saltpeppregano
• soy sauce
• A-1...Bingo!
• Ketchup...all 57 varieties
• Jack Daniels
• Jimmy Hoffa
• pork
• parmesan cheese
• whipped cream
• EZ cheese
• "special sauce"...It's in there!
• shedd's spread
• bed spread
• butter...Parkay!
• grey poupon
• it's the Double-Double Rotating P!

FORDHAM
October 2, 1999

Ladies and gentlemen, celebrating its 81st season of music, marching, mirth, and not getting lost on the way to Mars, it's the Princeton University Band!

Hey NASA! Did you lose another Mars Probe? NASA engineers blame an error in a conversion from English to metric units for the destruction of its latest mission. Excuses, excuses. You could've at least come up with something creative, like:

• it was only designed to be a three hour tour...a three hour tour
• the system used was the highly-incompatible Apple iProbe
• Mars was boring, so it went to Disney World
• it refused to ask for directions
• it must've made a wrong turn at Albuquerque
• Marvin the Martian blasted it with his Space Modulator
• its fate was sealed during takeoff when someone forgot to return their tray table to its upright and locked position
• or it didn't have enough change for the parking meter

Saluting NASA's failure...and Fordham University, the Band forms a little 'f', and plays the fight song of our favorite Catholic school.

And now, crashing probes into Mars at the rate of

• 4.6 newtons per pound
• 9.8 meters per second per second
• 300 miles per hour
• 1 fifth of gin per mile
• 100 head per acre
• 1 Hoffa per pregame...it's in there!
• 2 slugs per halftime
• 10 smoots per light year
• 10,000 joules per Verne
• 3 whacks per mole...and other natural flavors
• 6 O's per Henry
• 3 eh's per Canadian
• 1.21 gigawatts per Delorian
• 1 gauss per Wilson
• it's the Double-Double Rotating P!

BROWN
October 9, 1999

Ladies and gentlemen, diffusing onto the field like a radioactive cloud, it's the Princeton University Band!

Last week, Japan suffered a catastrophic nuclear disaster. To ensure that such an accident couldn't happen here, the Rhode Island Institute of Nuclear Technology has prepared the following safety recommendations:

• boil your plutonium for three minutes before using
• make sure to cover your control rods in Saran Wrap...lots and lots of Saran Wrap
• keep all your radioactive material in childproof containers
• outfit the nuclear control room with passenger-side airbags
• put Java Jackets around cooling towers
• after eating, wait at least an hour before swimming in heavy water
• move all nuclear facilities to Connecticut
• return all cooling towers to their upright and locked positions

And the most important safety measure: when a reaction occurs, be someplace else! Forming a 'b' on the field, the Band wishes it were someplace else.

And now, it's

• a different kind of company, a different kind of band
• own us and you'll understand
• fueled with plaidonium, and other natural flavors
• built band tough
• have you driven a band lately?
• like a rock
• different
• rich Corinthian leather...it's in there!
• we build excitement
• Hi
• I love what you do for me
• drivers wanted
• this is not your father's
• Double-Double Rotating P!

Run away! It's the Brown band, and they've gone critical!

LAFAYETTE
October 16, 1999

Winners of the 1999 Nobel Prize in Procrastination: it's the Princeton University Band!

It's Freshmen Parent's Day. Hi Mom! Hi Dad! Thanks for sending that care package. It was really great and all, but we've decided it would be better next time if you followed this short but handy list of do's and don'ts:

• Do send clean underwear...do not send your underwear, Mom
• Do send pictures of the family dog, Cujo...do not send pieces of the family dog, Cujo
• Do send chocolate brownies...don't send "magic brownies"
• Do send Visa...because at Princeton, they don't take American Express
• Do send hugs and kisses from Aunt Clara...do not send French kisses from Aunt Clara

Speaking of France, we would like to welcome today's French opponents who have traveled so far to be with us: the team from Lafayette College. To honor Lafayette, the Band forms a little 'l' and asks you to please rise for the playing of the national anthem...of France.

And now

• do not fold, spindle, or mutilate
• handle with care
• return to sender
• postage due
• photo enclosed....it's in there
• business reply mail
• self-addressed stamped envelope
• bulk rate...and other natural flavors
• next window, please
• self-adhesive...do not lick
• no postage required if mailed in the United States
• par avion
• neither rain nor sleet nor dark of night can stop the
• Single-Double Rotating P!

HAHVAHD
October 23, 1999

Ahoy matey! Off the starboard bow: it's the Princeton University Band!

This weekend, Hahvahd has heightened security because of a little regatta called the Head of the Charles, or as his friends call him, Head of the Chuck. Here are a few of the security measures they've put into effect:

• no visiting boats are allowed on the river without a Hahvahd escort
• child-proof oar locks now mandatory
• keg deliveries to boats are now prohibited
• and before the race, police will strip search all the fish in the river...which should be easy, since they're all floating on top.

Saluting the Head of the Charles, the Band forms a little 'h', just for the halibut.

And now,

• swab the poopdeck
• hoist the main sail
• stroke...stroke...aneurism
• going down with the ship
• water, water, everywhere, and not a drop to drink...and other natural flavors
• hard to starboard
• start at Hahvahd
• blow the ballast tanks
• Arrrgh!
• Way! Hey! Blow the man down
• anchors aweigh
• prepare to jibe...jibe ho!
• land ho
• Davy Jones' Locker....it's in there
• chips ahoy
• walk the plank
• off the Starbucks bow
• what do you do with a drunken sailor?
• Yo ho ho and a bottle of
• Double-Double Rotating P!

Shiver me timbers! It's the Hahvahd band, and they've got scurvy!

COLUMBIA
October 30, 1999

Migrating onto the field, it's the Princeton University Fall Break Band!

Ahhh, Fall in Princeton. A time when young band members' thoughts turn to going home...well half of them, anyway. Those of us who remain are still waiting for these signs that Autumn is upon us:

• squirrels begin gathering nuts...and small children
• people from California start putting on layers and layers of clothing, and people from Canada start putting on pants
• birds start migrating south for the Winter...like your grandparents
• Butterball begins fattening up squirrels for a Thanksgiving alternative
• Ivy League football teams start playing games...like Monopoly and Parcheesi
• and Columbia Lions begin to go into hibernation

And now, it's the

• loot, kill, pillage, burn
• Laa Laa, Dipsy, Tinky Winky, Po
• parsley, sage, rosemary, thyme...and other natural flavors
• eenie, meenie, miney, moe
• head, shoulders, knees, toes
• Crosby, Stills, Nash, Young
• earth, air, fire, water
• war, pestilence, famine, death
• around, over, under, through....it's in there
• Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall
• single, double, triple, home run
• Single-Double Rotating P!

PENN
November 6, 1999

(The actual script that was performed is missing. This is a reconstruction from memory.)

Ladies and gentlemen, we've secretly replaced Folger's Crystals with the Princeton University Band!

It's fall break at Princeton University, and the Band decided to spend the week someplace warm and pleasant...in other words, anywhere but Philadelphia. Fortunately, thanks to recent innovations in cloning technology, Princeton scientists have been able to create an exact replica of the Band, but one-third the size. We call it "Mini-Band." The testing period for Mini-Band has been very successful; some of the advantages that we've noticed are that it saves on postage, gets better gas mileage, and fits in the overhead compartment. And the biggest advantage of a small band is that it can more easily evade rowdy Penn alumni from the 1950's.

And now, it's the

• small but powerful,
• bend but not break,
• sunny but cold,
• gone but not forgotten,
• sad but true,
• oldie but a goodie,
• poor but honest,
• beavis but head,
• Single-Double Rotating P!

YALE
November 13, 1999

Ladies and gentlemen, rampaging onto the field like Godzilla through Tokyo, it's the Princeton University Band!

Today marks the 121st meeting of Princeton and yale, a rivalry rich in historic significance. To commemorate this historic game, the Band would like to recap some past highlights:

• 1929: in the wake of the stock market crash, money was so tight, the game was played with a real pigskin, still on the pig
• 1940: yale implements the Marginot Line defense
• 1969: following the Summer of Love, the Princeton -yale game was cancelled, as both schools decided to make love, not war
• 1973: Princeton -yale game takes three weeks, since due to gas rationing, yale is only allowed one first down every other day
• and 1999: everyone is confused by the final score of '6h' to 'blinking semicolon', as we learn the scoreboard is not Y2K-compliant.

And now, equipped with

• catalytic converter
• fuel additives...it's in there
• genuine faux naugahyde
• speedomter, odometer, tachometer, randometer
• optional sliding cupholders
• sheepskin covers
• fuzzy dice
• mag wheels
• run-flat tires
• rear defogger
• daytime running lights
• lumbar support
• tilt steering
• rich Corinthian leather...and other natural flavors
• 6.9 litre V8
• Double-Double Rotating P!

DARTMOUTH
November 20, 1999

Marching onto the field like a band of dwarves, only taller, it's the Princeton University Band!

So you're going to have a baby. You may have noticed that Dr. Spock's book doesn't say much about troubleshooting. We recommend you pick up Dr. Si--(static noise)--We interrupt this pregame to bring you the "Pass, Punt, and Kick Competition." Today's contestant is Band President Tom Sanderson. Tom will have the chance to win this brand-new Carson McCauley, equipped with rich Corinthian leather, and extra-roomy interior. Let's hear it for Tom, eh?

Tom's pass is up and--geez, Tom! If that pass had been any worse, it would have gone backwards! This isn't rugby, you know!

Tom's punt is "adequate," and will be spotted at the 17 meter line. Remember, Tom's not competing for some saucy wench; this is the all-new 1978 Carson McCauley I30.

Oh, Tom! Just a bit outside. Well, thank you for playing, Tom, and thank you, Carson..."Own One and You'll Understand."

Saluting a school with as much football talent as Tom, the Band forms a small 'd'.

• the saxophone, the slide trombone, and the bass drum sounding grand
• my name is NEO
• waiting for Bordeaux
• scenic downtown Canada
• Royal Canadian Mounted Yaksmen
• Canadian Bacon: it's nature's candy
• Celine Dion
• Terrance and Phillip
• glaciers
• 'M' is for "men", Tom; 'F' is for "women"
• wind tunnel rides
• Single-Double Rotating Bottle of Bordeaux!

Run away Band! It's immigration, and they want Tom's green card!